Sleepy

I tried so hard to wake up today, but I just couldn't. I knew there would be a nice event tonight, a punk event, and I kept opening my eyes, lifting eyelids one by one, trying to blink the sand away, the mist, the nothingness. But I couldn't. I drowsed. I failed. I slept.

Pleased

I went there anyhow. To the sanctuary. There's no stopping me, it seems. I decided not to go, and still I did. Addiction. Is it so? But it was cool tonight, I enjoyed it. I had fun. And maybe there was an extra shine from my eyes, because something made the other avatars vote for me. I won the event. The sexy in black event. Maybe it was that shine. Maybe it was my lack of underwear. I don't know. I don't care. I'm pleased. Pleased not to have to be an alien, a grinch, or the only one wearing brown in a brown event to win. I won from just being me, Serval, and wearing stuff I've liked enough to buy. Although I didn't wear all of it. Mia will have me fried for that, I guess.

Slime

I'm a bit low now. Now I am. Not because of that other thing, with Mia and her moods. Not because of that. But I have been going to the sanctuary, the sanctuary rock, like always. And I have not really enjoyed myself there.

One reason is the avatars that talk about stupid things that I cannot follow. I cannot relate to what they say. I cannot see what's funny, and what makes them go on and on, or what makes others reply. I think I spoke about this a long time ago in the diary. It's like they are making themselves as ridiculous as possible in the face of other avatars. They say things with a lot of spanks, smexys, moans and huns. And as soon as I try to join the others speaking, when I try to say something clever, they reply in a completely different voice. It's so obvious I'm not in.

I think this phenomenom, speaking Idiotish, has become more and more common in the sanctuary. It wasn't like that before.

And the other reason is the invisible slime. They have it in the sanctuary now. A lot of it. I don't know what it really is, and you can't see it. But you can feel it. When there is slime around, you can't move. Walking just a short distance, and flying, too, takes a very long time. It also stops you from changing what you're wearing, and what's attached. So if there is slime, there's no use trying to join the dressing event, because it's so slow putting on new stuff. Sometimes you can't change anything at all.

I like the dressing events. It's fun. It's one of the reasons why I have been going there. And I've spent a lot of time shopping for clothes and things that can be used for the events. But now, with all the slime, every time I go there, it's not fun anymore.

And this is what makes me low. I've been going to the sanctuary all my life. I don't know of any other such places. But I don't know if I want to go there very much more. The slime is so frustrating, and I feel like a stranger among some of the other avatars, even though I started coming to the sanctuary long before they did.

I don't know where I can go instead. I know nothing of the world. I feel a little bit like I did when I was very, very young. Small and lost.

Fine

I don't really get this being sad thing. Because I don't feel sad. On the contrary, I feel quite fine. Quite happy. Dancing, listening to the music. Do I have to go low, then? For Mia's sake?

Tears

"dear diary,
and god,

let there be no more bubblegums.

i'm beginning to believe that i have come to the second world, or stayed there anyway, to expose pain. to unveil misery. to show my tears.

i'd scare the kiddies at work out of their minds doing that. i'd be banned from training the girls team forever, and lose those friends that i thought could still bear me, showing up with black hole eyes and wrists slashed. can't do that. but i can in the other world. i think serval is showing me the way. show on the dolly what happened... show on the serval how you feel.

mia"

A MESSAGE FROM GOD

GREETINGS.
I HOPE YOU ARE MOST WELL.

THIS IS NOT DIVINE INTERVENTION.
ON THE CONTRARY.
IT IS NOT DEVINE INTERVENTION.
YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT I HAVE TRIED TO INTERVENE, THOUGH.

I ONCE THOUGHT THAT ROLEPLAY MIGHT BE GOOD FOR MIA.
I THOUGHT THAT IT WOULD HELP HER PRACTICE SKILLS SHE LACKS, TO BRING BACK INTO HER REAL LIFE.
I THOUGT THAT INTERACTING WITH FELLOW HUMANS, COMMUNICATING, AND EVEN (A SINGULAR EXCEPTION FROM NORMAL STANDARDS, ALLOWED BY DEVINE CHARTER) FLIRTING WOULD HELP HER IMPROVE HER LIFE.
SHE DOESN'T FLIRT MUCH OTHERWISE.
AT ALL.
THAT IS WHY I MADE SURE THIS SECOND WORLD WAS CREATED.
THAT IS WHY I INSPIRED MIA GOING THERE.
NOW I HAVE SEEN HER AND HER AVATAR INCARNATION SERVAL DRIFTING.
WAY OFF.
THIS IS NOT WHAT I INTENDED.
AND I'VE TOLD THEM SO.
THEY DON'T RESPOND.
I JUST WANT TO MAKE THIS CLEAR.
I DID NOT INTEND THIS TO HAPPEN.
I DID NOT MAKE THEM USE VERY MUCH MASCARA AND BLACK EYESHADOW.
I DID NOT MAKE THEM DRESS LIKE TRASH.
I DID NOT MAKE THEM QUESTION THINGS.
I DID NOT MAKE THEM CRY AND SPEAK FROM THEIR HEARTS.
MY DEVINE CHARTER DID NOT INCLUDE THESE THINGS.
THESE ARE THEIR OWN DOINGS.
THIS IS THEIR FREE WILL.

I WISH YOU ALL PEACE, LOVE AND PROSPERITY.

YOURS, ETC.

Losing

"dear diary,

i'm here.

if it would be forever, would you rather lose love, sex, life or god?

mia"

Feeling

I'm not quite happy about Mia staying away. She doesn't speak in my diary, and I've left her messages she doesn't answer.

The guy I met in the sanctuary the other day said exactly that thing Mia was talking about, about beeing away a long time. Welcome back, he said. Ok, I hadn't noticed. So I had a good long sleep, so what. But really, I think maybe Mia is the one who has gone somewhere, and she's not back yet. It's ok, I can manage on my own. But I'm a bit worried about her.

Some time before she left, she started saying things in the diary, but never finished, erasing it instead. She did that a couple of times. And there was something strange. Something wrong.

Ok, hold on, because what follows is difficult for me... I have many times, and from deep in my heart, denied even the slightest possibility that there are humans who control us avatars. I don't believe that, I still don't. But I am beginning to accept that there are humans. For the hell of it, I once created one, called Mia, and she has been around ever since. So she obviously does exist. Now she does. I can't deny that. And what's more, I can't control her. She seems to control herself. I brought her to life, but now she's clearly doing things as she pleases. And what's more... and this is the hard part... she seems to do things to me. She doesn't control me, no, no, no, no, no. But she's... influencing me. I can feel her. Simple as that. I feel her. And for some reason, those feeling go straight into my heart, and I just want to be like her. So... I become like her.

But now I can feel nothing. Before, I felt Mia not being very happy. I also felt something else, something I didn't recognize at all. Some kind of rush, turmoil, obsession or whatever. I have never felt like that myself, and I can't understand what it was. But now there is nothing. No feelings. As if Mia isn't there. So she must be away somewhere, mustn't she?

Sleepless

Haha, those things Mia predicted didn't happen! No-one has been missing me, and no-one has said I've been away for long. So I haven't been! I can hardly remember sleeping at all, actually. So Mia was wrong, and I don't have to worry about... that thing any more. About her being able to. And so forth. She isn't. But she almost had me there for a second.