History

"dear diary,

it is now a year since i made my existence known to my little incarnation serval in next life. not that she got it straight away. she stubbornly refused to listen, see and understand. and i think that she still, to some extent, and though she keeps spending the money i give her, refuses to believe that there are humans. i can't really blame her. we all need to be the centre of the universe, don't we? irrespective of whether we're incarnations, humans or gods. if we believe we're mere puppets controlled by someone else, by fate, by something that is written, then why try at all?

maybe i'm contradicting myself now. because i have tried to surrender control, to serval. at first, i didn't. i imposed myself upon her. i tried to make serval mia, following this idea that there could be some therapeutic goodies in it, having little serval carry and live my burdens. so i pushed her into next life, weights on shoulders, and altough struggling a little, she did what she was told.

only thing is, it didn't change a thing. i had already told my story so many times, written it and written it again, over the last ten years, that having serval tell it again and behave accordingly did neither good nor bad. serval's story was mia's history. it was the past. and so i set serval free. and leaned back, and watched her.

now, serval isn't very wild. she's not making a big difference in next life. she's mainly spending her time there trying to have fun, and trying to find herself. she began revealing less skin, stopped taking her clothes off in the middle of crowds, or rather in the presence of others. instead, serval developed integrity. and a style of her own. well, not entirely of her own any more, because i have copied some of it by now. not that i wear a tutu to work, just some little details. i never wore pigtails before serval showed my how to. for example.

instead of the old serval mimicing me, new serval is soothing me in a way. so, in way, she's actually controlling me, and affecting me. not in the way i was planning at first, but in a way that's probably much more what i need. and she does teach me little things, just by being around and not really doing much. she can't stop me from being sad at times, but she and those she meets do make me laugh. that's not a bad thing.

serval can't make history go away. but maybe she's helping me go away? soothing serval, looking for black eyes. maybe i should surrender control completely, take her hand, and let her lead me. well, serval believes that she created me, and that she's already controlling me, so she'll be game.

mia"