Combinations

I went to the club dancing, and there was some really good music. And you know what? My flowers tattoo won me the tats event! Yes, flowers beat skulls, devils and flaming hells any day.

But what disturbed me a little was that bunch of avatars, some that I don't know from before. They kept talking, never ever stopping, about how to use hands, heads, horses, asses (but not zebras) and all sorts of strange things and parts of the body in various combinations, to do things to each other, the loving way. Hearing that, I felt quite relieved that I'm still an innocent one. But I'm probably just not clever enough to understand the niceties of equid and kitty cat fusions.

Sanctuary

I went to the Sanctuary Rock to dance and listen to music. It was nice, because I hadn't been there for some time. No, it's not that I have been to the bad girl club instead. There's just not been any time for dancing, thanks to important shopping that had to be done, and because of Mia's everlasting moods. However, I danced and it was fun.

The thing is, there was a newbie that spoke to me, and after saying hullo he made a comment on my age, saying I was more than one year old. I didn't think much about that until later, when I was talking to the DJ in the Sanctuary. Then it hit me, like. I asked DJ how old I am, and I guess that he checked my profile.

"ur 1.5 yrs", he said.

"that's more than one year, is it?" i asked.

"yep"

The truth dawned upon me. I was more than one year old. I had missed...:

"oh, the birthday party...!"

"sure", DJ said.

Then he played some very odd music that no one could dance to, saying I had requested it, and all the other avatars, who wanted to hear devils' voices etc, sighed, shook their heads, and mumbled things that sounded very much like "stupid serval strikes again" etc. I think about half the crowd left the Sanctuary during that song. And those who stayed were the bad ones, staying only because the song was about someone doing things to others with a knife.

I may have to learn how to count. Otherwise, there will be no birthday parties. I don't want to miss them all. The thing is, I don't want to go to a school with the little children, because that would imply that there's something wrong with me. The others already think that.

Lamb

Shopping is said to be good for you when you're not happy, and I told Mia so. She told me to leave her alone, and then, when I didn't, to go and do something, which I didn't. I don't want to lose my innocence that way. Sure, yes, I'm like quite old, at least nowhere close to being a newbie any more, and I'm still as untouched as a little lamb (one that never went to a furries club). The others make fun of me because of that. I don't mind. If it makes them laugh, it's ok. I'd rather they see me as a funny little lamb, or even a stupid little weird idiot lamb, than tell them about those embarrassing times when I've tried getting the allegedly fun and good things going and happening, and when everything has ended in a big mess.

Leaving Mia sulking, I myself went shopping instead, for another top like the one I've got, but red. I got it, a bargain at only one two figures in the price. Now that I have such a good shopping luck, I think I'll keep going. I need some pants, I think. Yes, that too.

Sweet one

Now I have a clue about what's going on with Mia. Well, it's rather more than a clue. There are all these messages that she's spoken. I don't know if she's IM'ed them to someone, or if she meant to have them in my diary (which she keeps speaking into – get your own diary, Mia). But it's clear to me now why she's been making me feel odd, sensing her.

This shatters the popular picture of humans, doesn't it? They're supposed to spend their lives watching us avatars, but this is something different. This is not about avatars, is it?

"dear sweet one,

you asked, first thing, if you were barking up the wrong tree. sure, you were. way wrong. however, that bark had a pleasant ring, and i shifted to have a look to see who's barking, and i, oops, slipped somehow, and tumbled out of the tree. that should have given me a hell of a fright, but no, it didn't, as you were there to catch me. only, when i hit the ground you had already stopped barking, gone somewhere else, and weren't there any more.

so, here i am, sitting under that tree, bruised, a little hurt, biting my lip to keep the tears away, not very successfully. hoping, perhaps, that no one saw, at least none of my friends. and still, despite me wanting to feel crushed, i note that it didn't kill me. but was some good adventure, wasn't it? and i secretly wonder, should i like to try it again?

it's really not me, truly, is it? but ... remembering the rush of blood and air... maybe i would like to again?

not right now, anyhow. leave me to lick my wounds.

but, oh, i've seen it done. and i wasn't scared at all.

my list of friends keeps growing slowly, and i've made four or five these last few days. for me, that's many in a short time. some of them will be the kind of friends that i say hello to, and speak to occasionally. with one of them, i'm sure i'll have lots of fun. all of them, including the older ones, are good for friends. they are nice, or fun, or interesting. but i think none of them has touched me very deep.

and then there's you. i hardly know you. but i liked you instantly, from the first words you said. and after seeing you a little bit more... the words, the mood, the atmosphere you brought. and weren't you ever so cute. i'm amazed, and a little bit fascinated by myself, by the way i have reacted. i told you that i'm shy and cautious. i am. i think so. yet i fell fast and hard. for you, a girl.

you toppled me over like nothing, and i didn't mind, didn't shy away, rather was thrilled by it happening. that itself may be my dearest compliment to you. treasure yourself, sweet one. this is what you can do, by only being you.

i didn't like much what followed. but when i said i was cool about being friends only, i meant it. i meant it then. probably trying to fool myself there wouldn't be much change. but there was, and i've been miserable.

i could object to the reasons you gave. the other one that you were describing and didn't want to mess things up for, that wasn't really me.

maybe you didn't tell me your true reason. i hope not. if you did, and if that's how others react to who i am, who i've been, what i've done, what others have done to me, then that would mean i'm doomed. tainted, and cursed never to be loved.

but... if i can be given up, i'm not the one you want. to that i cannot object.

writing this is unreal to me, to say the least. i don't have this kind of feelings, do i? for girls. and yet, here i am, and here i'm writing, feeling a bit stupid for bothering, as you don't want me any more.

maybe i should better take you off my list of friends. not because i don't like you. i do so. too much. it just won't do me any good having you there, making me stay up long after bedtime only to see if you'll come alive, and then wait and see if you'll talk to me, or, should you not, battle myself whether i myself should open my mouth and speak or not, to bother you or not to, knowing, but not wanting to know, that i really shouldn't.

oh no, i shouldn't. i should cool off. lick those wounds. there isn't more in it for me from here.

or is there? did you come to me only to tell me something? and i liked it. i did. i wasn't scared.

that last hug
mia"

Sensing

I had been planning to spend or kill some time shopping in one of the malls (or maybe in all of them). But it didn't happen. I stopped in mid-air, like, and realized that I couldn't go. I didn't want to any longer. Instead, I felt like going somewhere where there's no one around, and where there's no speaking to be heard, and no music, and not much light. So I did.

I recognize all this. It has happened before, now and then. It's Mia. I'm sensing Mia, when her mood is shifting or special or whatnot. And this was the special kind of mood, because what I sensed was new and unfamiliar to me. I know her sad from before. This was it, and yet not. There was a lot of energy, too. And also some kind of happiness in there, and still so much sadness, drowning the happiness. I have no clue what's happening to her.

Greetings

Some of the others complain a lot about greeters, which are objects (i think) that tell you a message when you step into a shop. Usually it's a message like "Welcome, Serval!" or "Please join our update group!" or something like that. I don't mind the greeters. I rather like them. Usually when shopping there are few avatars around, and those that are are too busy looking and trying and calculating Lindens to speak to others. So to me, the greeters mean company, and that is nice. The greeters seem almost like friends.

When I told the others, they said that was some good friendship, eh, based upon me being a consumer only. I don't think that is very clever thinking. Because I bet that they themselves wouldn't have made their present friends if they had still been in their newbie looks. They've used their looks and outfits to be seen and to make new friends. So their friendships, too, are based on being consumers, buying blingy shoes that can be seen from far away, super skins and tattoos that never end. But they don't like greeters, and I do. I can walk in and out of a shop just to get a good conversation going.

Appearance

Oh, Mia keeps worrying about everything I do. How I dress, what I do when going to the clubs, and now whom I speak to, and why. Do I do that to her? Do I question her for hanging out with someone who likes to call himself Cow Sheep...? Come on, Mia. Cool down.

Some of the others said that she's behaving like a mother. And then told me a mother is someone who has a child. As I've said before, I have seen children. They are those little avatars that, as previously concluded, have something wrong with them, making them unable to for example use the Appearance menu to change size, or detach the lollipop objects from their mouths. But all the few children I've seen were avs too, so the only ones that can "have them" are – according to predominant avatar lore – the humans. This really means that a mother is the human that a small av with a problem pretends is controlling her or him, probably to have someone to blame her or his strange behaviour on. Like, "i wear this weird orange pigtail hair because my mother doesn't allow me to change appearance, snigger, i know i look ghastly, but it's not my fault".

I mean, Mia has complained, saying I dress like trash, but she can't decide what I wear. She can't take clothes off me, and put others on. That's a ridiculous idea. So, the children have probably been infected by the crabs or something like that, and don't work properly. Like when I couldn't take clothes off, a long time ago. Or maybe those allegedly omnipotent Linden avatars have done something, so that certain avatars get restricted abilities. Maybe as a punishment for doing bad things. Maybe they were changing appearance all the time, making sims crash. That seems quite probable. If so, children are not only small, but also bad.

Mia worried about that girl I met, but I don't. Today I saw her again, and spent a lot of time with her, on a beach. I like her, and she's very clever, telling me things that I didn't understand before, without making me feel stupid. Lots of the others say things to me in ways that makes it clear they don't consider me the brightest star. She doesn't. She's just nice. Why Mia worries is a mystery to me. I hope I'll meet her again soon.

Circles

"dear diary,

i may not have been very close to the truth when speculating about servals, girls and secrets the other day. because last night, i watched serval going to this new club, where she spent the whole evening dancing with a guy. not the kind of dancing that she usually does in the sanctuary and wherever else she goes, flowing around, making up new steps and doing it by herself. no, yesterday was couple dancing, in various ways ranging from argentinian tango to the kind of dancing where moving seems less important than holding each other close. there was a lot of the latter. i think there may even have been kissing. oh, neither she nor he admitted to having chosen to do that, but the goings on looked very suspicious to me, i can tell you.

now, i don't think conclusions should be drawn too far from this. in between the dancing, they both went running around in circles like scalded rats, or rather like rats scalded, sloshed, and od'ed on adrenaline. or like a rat that has had huge quantities of tea and is not very close to a convenient bathroom. or quantities of some other beverage, which i hold closer to the truth. it's very probable that the same drinks also can be held responsible for the close dancing etc part of the evening, and too much serious value should probably not be ascribed to that matter. the guy was married, btw.

for humans, such a behaviour (including dirty dancing, drinking, snogging, and running in circles with married men) would have been looked upon as a disgrace, but for avatars, well, that's the kind of thing that they seem to do. and serval had a good time, enjoying her evening a lot, and that's what really counts, isn't it.

mia"

Girl

"dear diary,

i was quite tired yesterday. it had been a long week. so i sat down with a cup of tea and watched my little incarnation going to next life. she went dancing, of course. rykk the freaky vampire was dj-ing, and a guy gave serval a compliment on her star tattoo, and another on her dancing. then a girl asked for her #.

guys have been doing that before. asking for her number, for her name, for her bra size, for a quickie. but never before a girl. not that i know of, anyhow. maybe her looks were indicating something, i don't know.

now, serval went talking with this girl, and they became friends.

i was mentioning love here in the diary some time (well, like half a year) ago, saying that i had sort of half expected, or feared, her to fall for just anyone that happened to flatter her a little bit or show her more than brief attention. but she hasn't seemed to be interested in love at all. i've seen her switch her 'busy' sign on for guys just looking at her from a distance. then now this girl comes along, and becomes friends right away. for someone hitting on serval, that's unusually good and smooth progress for a first encounter.

does serval have secrets to me?

mia"

Hiding

What a relief! They are still there, those few friends of mine that hadn't already dumped me. So I bet it wasn't a long sleep, after all. Maybe Mia just pretended she was going away. To impress others.

"i'm going 4 a holiday. 2 germany"

Or maybe:

"i'm going on a tour. i'm in a band, u know"

And now she's staying out of sight. Hiding in the basement. Eating soup right out of the can.