Sweet one

Now I have a clue about what's going on with Mia. Well, it's rather more than a clue. There are all these messages that she's spoken. I don't know if she's IM'ed them to someone, or if she meant to have them in my diary (which she keeps speaking into – get your own diary, Mia). But it's clear to me now why she's been making me feel odd, sensing her.

This shatters the popular picture of humans, doesn't it? They're supposed to spend their lives watching us avatars, but this is something different. This is not about avatars, is it?

"dear sweet one,

you asked, first thing, if you were barking up the wrong tree. sure, you were. way wrong. however, that bark had a pleasant ring, and i shifted to have a look to see who's barking, and i, oops, slipped somehow, and tumbled out of the tree. that should have given me a hell of a fright, but no, it didn't, as you were there to catch me. only, when i hit the ground you had already stopped barking, gone somewhere else, and weren't there any more.

so, here i am, sitting under that tree, bruised, a little hurt, biting my lip to keep the tears away, not very successfully. hoping, perhaps, that no one saw, at least none of my friends. and still, despite me wanting to feel crushed, i note that it didn't kill me. but was some good adventure, wasn't it? and i secretly wonder, should i like to try it again?

it's really not me, truly, is it? but ... remembering the rush of blood and air... maybe i would like to again?

not right now, anyhow. leave me to lick my wounds.

but, oh, i've seen it done. and i wasn't scared at all.

my list of friends keeps growing slowly, and i've made four or five these last few days. for me, that's many in a short time. some of them will be the kind of friends that i say hello to, and speak to occasionally. with one of them, i'm sure i'll have lots of fun. all of them, including the older ones, are good for friends. they are nice, or fun, or interesting. but i think none of them has touched me very deep.

and then there's you. i hardly know you. but i liked you instantly, from the first words you said. and after seeing you a little bit more... the words, the mood, the atmosphere you brought. and weren't you ever so cute. i'm amazed, and a little bit fascinated by myself, by the way i have reacted. i told you that i'm shy and cautious. i am. i think so. yet i fell fast and hard. for you, a girl.

you toppled me over like nothing, and i didn't mind, didn't shy away, rather was thrilled by it happening. that itself may be my dearest compliment to you. treasure yourself, sweet one. this is what you can do, by only being you.

i didn't like much what followed. but when i said i was cool about being friends only, i meant it. i meant it then. probably trying to fool myself there wouldn't be much change. but there was, and i've been miserable.

i could object to the reasons you gave. the other one that you were describing and didn't want to mess things up for, that wasn't really me.

maybe you didn't tell me your true reason. i hope not. if you did, and if that's how others react to who i am, who i've been, what i've done, what others have done to me, then that would mean i'm doomed. tainted, and cursed never to be loved.

but... if i can be given up, i'm not the one you want. to that i cannot object.

writing this is unreal to me, to say the least. i don't have this kind of feelings, do i? for girls. and yet, here i am, and here i'm writing, feeling a bit stupid for bothering, as you don't want me any more.

maybe i should better take you off my list of friends. not because i don't like you. i do so. too much. it just won't do me any good having you there, making me stay up long after bedtime only to see if you'll come alive, and then wait and see if you'll talk to me, or, should you not, battle myself whether i myself should open my mouth and speak or not, to bother you or not to, knowing, but not wanting to know, that i really shouldn't.

oh no, i shouldn't. i should cool off. lick those wounds. there isn't more in it for me from here.

or is there? did you come to me only to tell me something? and i liked it. i did. i wasn't scared.

that last hug
mia"