Kiwi

I do fancy the angel. Not that I want to kiss her and cuddle her and sleep with her. I just like her. Love her. A little. It isn't necessary to go to bed with everyone you like or love. Like pets. You don't have to make love to the kittens just to prove that you love them. Or your brothers and sisters. And many love their country, how would you bed one of those? Do the soil? Lay the flag? Or screw everyone that lives there?

There's a country called News Eland, where the guys probably do love the pets and animals a lot, because they're said to shag a lot of sheep. I don't know why, but the girls there can't be very pretty. I got that thing about Mia's brother Cat wearing velcro gloves in a story from News Eland. (And I was stupid enough to tell someone, and then had to stick to the story. Poor pet Cat.) But the original story also included rubber boots. I don't think I ever made anyone think that Cat wears those. I own a pair myself, though. They are black with a pink flower on each boot.

I wonder why they prefer sheep over there. It's obvious there's got to be a lot of elands around, too, considering the name. But maybe it's harder to sleep with an antelope than with a sheep. Maybe the guys over there are quite short, so that sheep have a more comfortable height. Maybe that's also why the girls, preferring big boys, don't lift a finger to make themselves attractive to the local guys. They probably come to SL instead, where all the boys are huge and all the girls that have a decent amount of lindens at their disposal can make themselves pretty enough. And yet there are sheep here, too. Inflatable ones (although they don't inflate for real here, they just rezz). I've got one of those, too. But it doesn't have any pink flowers. Which wouldn't be such a bad idea, would it. A pink flower and a ribbon. That might appeal to the guys from News Eland, once they find their way to Second Life, looking for wherever all the girls have gone.

I don't have any eland. I haven't even seen any around. There are impalas, though. They are antelopes, too, only smaller than elands, but that might suit the kiwi guys fine, if they find the blowup sheep not very suitable for velcros. A kiwi is a fruit. The others say that a fruit is the same as a fairy. Which may be another reason why all the girls left from there.

Once the guys come to SL for the impalas, only the hobbits will be left over there. And the elands, oc. That's not a very good match. Elands are rumoured to make an impressive jump and then land head first to kill themselves when all hope is at an end. I guess that's gonna happen a lot. After that there will be hobbits only. The good old hobbits, holding the fort. I bet they love their country a lot.

Gardening

Mia once told me about growing trees. I didn't think of it much at that point, apart from concluding it was a strange thing to do when you can walk into close to any shop and buy a tree that's already full size. And if you still think it's to small you can stretch it. Well, that was my general viewpoint. Why grow a tree?

But you know what? I became interested in gardening last time I was awake. I began planting things everywhere I could. It looked ever so pretty. But you know what! There are avis that don't like things growing but take them away. When I said, hey, that's my tree, they told me to get my own sim.

So I guess my days of gardening are over. If there was CO2 in SL I could maybe have claimed a part of a sim and said I'm gonna grow trees to help save the world. But the others say there is no CO2 at all here. You have to go to First Life for it. Not that I saw any there. How do they look? How do they taste? I think the general idea is that First Life would be a better place if there was no CO2, so I'd say it probably has a taste like tea.

I guess you know

I lost someone. I dunno yet if it was for the better or for worse. What I know is that we haven't met much for some time. The angel has let me sleep much, and those times when I've been awake Fishie hasn't been around. So it was probably coming. Or going.

We lay in each others arms
But the room is just an empty space
I guess we lived it out
Something in the air
We smiled too fast
then can't think of a thing to say

I dunno what makes things like this. Or why. Maybe it's one of those things that are meant to happen. Or that just happen. I dunno.

We used what we could
To get the things we want
But we lost each other on the way
I guess you know I never wanted
anyone more than you

(David Bowie)

Me

It was me, waiting for me, hoping for something more.
Me, seeing me this time, hoping for something else.

(JD)

Realm

"yes, what if i was to bring serval to first life. not just for one day. for good. for ever. to bring her into my life. to include her in what i do, in what i think, in how i think. make her spend her time here instead, irl.

she wants to come out. that's metaforce, oc. unless you don't believe that humans control the avatars. i feel this urge to spend my time here, too. rl changes have made the world seem much larger to me all of a sudden. there are these untold doors, wide open, and i hear those tempting sounds from inside. have a peek, cross the threshold, ask what's going on. that's what i want to do.

serval has made me try new things. she has shown that it doesn't kill me. it usually doesn't even hurt. so now when this new rl realm of potential experiences, pleasures and adventures is out here waiting for me, why don't i. why don't i indulge myself even more, bringing serval along, never to return to where she was born.

e."

IM

I may be spending most of my time nowadays just sitting somewhere dreaming of a different world. But I do still listen to my IMs.

I got this one saying I was making a big fool out of myself being two plus years and still liking bling. I replied I don't. And then got a reply quoting my diary blah blah blah. Don't I truly hate it when people read unspoken things into my words. Because I didn't say those things because I had no reason to, either because they are no one's business or because they aren't correct, never happened, never were. Because. Ok, in this particular case I said I began liking blings. But I never said I continued. There you are. Those who know me can probably verify that they have heard me say many stupid things, but never "/bling on", not even once. True, there is a blingy belly piercing freebie in my inventory, but I never use it (I did once, a long time ago, and it attached inside my belly and couldn't be seen other than as the occasional light from inside my tummy.)

Another IM was from Horrid Man, saying that I had now added aspirations to become god to my previous list of alleged sins (sleeping with girls, sleeping with animals, sleeping with the devil). Consequently I will fry forever even more after I'm gone.

Those that I care for don't IM me any more, though. I think they have forgotten about me, after I've been spending all my time with just one of them, and after that I spent close to no time with anyone. I think I had lost the urge to just hang, was hoping for something more serious, and didn't find it around. So parting wouldn't be that bad, would it. Bring me to your world, angel! And then don't send me back again.

Is the

Love me
love me
love me
love me
say you do
Let me fly away with you
For my love is like the wind
and wild is the wind
Wild is the wind

(Dimitri Tiomkin & Ned Washington)

SL nights

I remember the first time I saw bling. On a pair of shoes, worn by a girl. I thought it looked ever so good, ever so beautiful, ever so advanced. I humbly felt like the most wretched noob in comparison. Facepaws. Buttpaws. However, that's when I fell for the night, and began really liking it. The blings. The lights. The atmosphere of SL nights.

I used to like watching the stars. The lovely stars. Now I know they aren't real, but just painted somewhere up there. They are nothing but little dots of light. They are lamps. They mean nothing. And the names that I thought were theirs aren't the names of these ones, but of those in First Life. Alcyone, Bellatrix, Capella, Deneb... And now I've seen them too. Omg. Not to mention the moon, which is full these days and such a pretty thing, so enchanting, so mesmerizing.

Once the angel used the expression "real life", obviously referring to First Life. Omg. Now I can't get it out of my head. Real life. Words to make you cry. Words to make kings start wars.

Back!

Oh, she brought me back to First Life! Just for one day. Just for one more day. She said she had listened to my diary and understood that I wasn't happy about being in SL any more. And she said that she was sorry for having messed things up by letting me have that peek into First Life. I'm an avatar, so I'm supposed to prefer SL, and she wanted to put things straight for me by showing me that First Life isn't just nice and fun, but also quite the contrary.

So the angel brought me to IKEA. Now, that didn't work as planned, I think, because I didn't have any lindens to buy anything, so I didn't have to pull any of those heavy trolleys with boxes to rezz at home that I saw lots of humans struggling with. So I rather enjoyed going there, actually.

Then she told me about bleeding, which didn't really mean much to me. I've seen blood, which usually comes as a clothes layer. I have some in my inventory. The angel wanted to show me some First Life blood, though, but couldn't put the knife into her finger, so I did it myself, on myself. I don't have problems with such things. Once, for a household accident event, I put three huge metal stakes right through my chest. Now this was different. Not the blood, which was just red stuff, but the hurting part of it, which came as a surprise, even though she had told me to expect it. Bleeding now and then wouldn't be too bad, but I wasn't sure I'd like it hurting like that each time. But then she told me why, which changed my mind drastically. It was all about allowing me to have one of those little humans of my own. My very own. And I would control it. Now, that was something I didn't see coming. My mind boggled at the very idea. Such an unheard of thing. Controlling humans? (Isn't that what their god is supposed to do? Could I become their god? The mere thought of it made me want one of those little humans right away.)

She then came back to this with being human in First Life and the one million and eighty days (of which some had already passed), and after that the discontinuation. She asked me if I had thought about that, if I wanted that. I told her I really didn't. But I had also thought about something else.

"you say you yourself will be dicontinued after all those days?"

"yes", she nodded.

"but if i'm still in sl, and you controlled me, what will happen to me?"

The angel looked at me, smiling faintly:
"u figured that 1 out, didn't u"

It wasn't a happy smile. Rather a sad friendly kind.

"u will sleep", she said. "and keep sleeping 4ever, unless some1 else comes by and wakes u up"

"but that's not gonna happen, is it?"

"no. i don't think so"

So there wouldn't be much difference, would there, being in First or Second Life.

After this followed more, including taxes, bad guys, humans fighting humans, and other stuff. But most of that can be seen in SL too. She couldn't say one single thing that made SL seem the better place to live. And still she wanted me to be there?

One word

There were these strange things. I was in the angel's bed and was entirely relaxed, and then saw things happening, without them happening for real. When I looked around the angel was next to me, and when I didn't look any more, these other things came back. It was like I was doing things, experiencing things, but they didn't happen. I don't think they did. And then all of a sudden there were those so familiar sensations of waking up in SL. The brief dizziness. Then my eyes clearing to reveal the world around. The bed was gone. The angel was gone. First Life was gone.

I have one single word for that moment. Disappointment. Utter disappointment. Those were two words.

I was back. First Life was no more. And to be honest, at first I wasn't quite sure it all had really happened. Maybe there had been no angel. Maybe it was just another one of those strange things happening in my head before I woke up.

But no. Of those I remember little, if anything. They were just like some kind of fluttering interference, like someone showing you a lot of snapshots so fast you didn't really see them, didn't get time to focus your eyes on any.

From First Life I remember everything. The places. The rattle of the subway. The angel. Her words. The sounds. The stare of the little humans next table. The feeling of ice on my skin. Omg, the feeling of other things. And the pace of the humans, the masses of them. Smelling. And I can still feel the taste of tea and ice cream in my mouth.

I have been there.

And now I'm back. And from the first moment I didn't want to. And I still don't.

There are humans. I know that now. Because I've even been one, if only oh so briefly. What more can I say. All I knew about living, or rather the living itself, has been reduced to a triviality if compared to experiencing those things in First Life. All those things.

Oh, the club. The best club I'd been to. There is nothing like it in SL. Same music, but a different universe. And we went into a church. Oh my, I thought churches were for having sex. I saw that once, there was a dungeon in a place just like that church, and all the guys were like tied up in strange furniture, or hung naked in ropes and begged for no mercy. But the angel said First Life churches are for human religion. Which confused me, because I have believed that they did religion in SL. Then there was the zoo, where the animals were as real as me and the angel, not objects only, and they all had their free wills. That's more than I have myself, obviously. Because everything I do is controlled by her. I dunno about what I think, but what I do, it's all her. Everything I say. I have no free will. But I had there, in First Life.